My First Fantasy Football Week

I won't keep you in suspense: it did not go well.

The Larry Fitzjerries (Girl League)

This was the worst one. I started Kevin Kolb, and he earned one point before getting all concussed and stuff. What hurts is that my opponent was so weak that if I had started Dexter McCluster, who ended up having a big game for the Chiefs, I would have won anyway. In my defense, though, I don't think I could have known what a huge mistake starting C. J. Spiller instead of McCluster would be.

Helmet sticker: Antonio Gates, 13.6 points

Helmet un-sticker: Michael Crabtree, 1.2 points. C'mon.

The Fightin' AJ Hawks (FPL League)

This was the second worst one. I think my team might just stink, since I am bad at auctioning; I ended up with the second-least amount of points in the whole league, without the injury excuse I had in the aforementioned Girl League. Going into the last game last night, I was down by six and, in my game, had the only player left to go. I only needed six points from him. Unfortunately, that guy was Darren Sproles, whom I was apparently an idiot to start, since they constantly handed it off to Ryan Mathews instead.

Helmet sticker: Jahvid Best, 15 points

Helmet un-sticker: Darren Sproles, 0 points

The Bubby Bristers (People I Know League)

This was the least worst one. I ended up with the second-most points in the league, which gives me hope for the future, but was playing the person who had--by far--the most points in the league. His lead was so staggering by the end of Sunday that I gave all hope, totally demoralized. But then Antonio Gates and Jamaal Charles came up big on Monday night, briefly giving me hope of coming back. That hope didn't materialize, but the smaller margin of defeat softened the blow.

Helmet sticker: Jamaal Charles, 16 points

Helmet un-sticker*: Calvin Johnson, 4.5 points

*Since this is the IDP league, there were defensive guys with fewer points but who were still less disappointing. Darelle Revis scored me nothing, but that's the nature of how he plays and was a risk I took by playing him. "Megatron," however, made me sad.

NFL: Week 1

Hilarious:

The Cowboys losing! And it was embarassing too. It wasn't like the Redskins' offense was good--it wasn't--or that their defense was awesome--it wasn't--or even that Tony Romo single-handedly ruined everything--which has its upside, but frankly has happened so often that it's started to get a little sad. No, Dallas's offense as a whole just kept screwing stuff up. The egregious holding call that wiped the game-winning touchdown off the board has gotten the most attention, but that was really just emblematic of the whole game.

Not Hilarious:

The Lions losing. All the media and internet attention has been focused on Calvin Johnson's controversial non-TD catch at the end of the game, and that was sad. (I would really like my moment of celebration back, please.) Even if he had plain old dropped the ball, though, it still would have been depressing for a team that hasn't won on the road in years to lose a game their defense hung on to so doggedly for so long. And the saddest thing of all is losing Matthew Stafford, again, for who knows how long. And with three injuries in his first 17 games, I think it's time to start worrying about his career. I just wish something would go right for the Lions.

Hilarious:

Philip Rivers throwing a hissy at New Arrowhead in the rain. I know this video will be taken down soon, but it's too perfect:

Not Hilarious:

The Triumphant (?) Return of Michael Vick/the Non-Triumphant Debut of Kevin Kolb. Check out this anti-hilarious series of events:

• Despite having a promising young quarterback for whom he ditched Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid starts the game Kolb and Vick frequently, allowing neither one to get into a rhythm.
• Either because of the rhythm thing or because he's just not ready for the big stage, the vaunted Kolb looks like a deer in the headlights, and passes like one too.
• Clay Mathews slams Kolb into the ground face-first. He leaves the game, and it turns out he's concussed. (Note: Clay Mathews is awesome and was just doing his job. It's a just a shame that Kolb's arms weren't free to cushion his face.)
• The odious Michael Vick becomes the unquestioned leader of the team, and does not-totally-awful, setting up what is sure to be an endless and annoying QB debate.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the Packers won (for the first time in Philadelphia since 1962), but it would have been nice if they'd done it by being the better team instead of the less-bad team.

Hilarious:

The total offensive ineptitude of the massively overhyped Jets. At the end of last season, I kind of liked the Jets. They have a big ol' loudmouth coach, which is a dying breed, and I felt Mark Sanchez redeemed his lousy regular season performance with a solid playoff run. But this summer, it was too much Jets, all the time. So I was pretty satisfied that they couldn't make anything happen in their game last night. (Their defense still looks fairly scary, though.) The only downside is that they got put in their place by the Ravens, who aren't super likable either.

Less Hilarious Than I Would Have Thought:

The decline of Brett Favre. I am a decided Brett Favre un-fan, but the realization that it's going to be a long and painful season for the Vikings and Favre in particular has not brought me the schadenfreude I would have expected. Don't get me wrong; I want the Vikings to lose a lot of games. It's just that Favre is already in a bad way physically, and because of his iron man streak, he's never going to take a week or two off to heal. He's going to play until he literally can't anymore, and I just worry it's all going to end with him not just too injured for football, but too injured for aspects of real life.

And that was Week 1! What did you all find hilarious or not hilarious?

Bubby, Larry, and A.J.

As of last night, all three of my fantasy drafts are over. I think I did OK? Possibly?

The Larry Fitzjerries

As I shared with you, my all-girl autopick-draft league got off to a rough start. Luckily, one of my co-league members (the girl I'm playing in Week 1, no less) dropped the Eagles' new QB, Kevin Kolb, for Mark Sanchez. I questioned that decision, but without looking a gift horse in the mouth. I, in turn, dropped Jay Cutler and picked up Kolb. He's a little risky, since he's inexperienced, but he should throw quite a bit in the Eagles' offense without throwing it to the other team as much as some quarterback frat daddies I could name.

The Bubby Bristers

This one had a real draft, with people I actually know, and is easily my favorite league. Also, I think we're going to play for money. ($10 apiece, because we are high rollers.) I was pleased with how my draft went. I got Drew Brees at QB and Frank Gore at RB. My receivers are kind of in the high-risk/high-reward vein (Calvin Johnson and less so, Greg Jennings), but I think they'll work out. The toughest part about this league is that we're doing Individual Defensive Players, and nobody knows defensive guys that well. We all knew enough to avoid taking Darrell Revis while he was holding out for a better contract . . . and then I plucked him off the waiver wire this morning after I saw that he's signing on Monday. I'm crafty!

The Fightin' AJ Hawks

This one was the auction draft with dudes from the message boards at Football Pros Live. I have heard over and over that auction drafts are way more fun, interesting, and creative than regular drafts and in short, that once you go auction, you never go back. Based on my experience, these are all filthy lies.

I'm not blaming the people I did the auction with at all--they're all strangers, but they were perfectly nice and even helpful, since I mentioned I hadn't done an auction before. And to be fair, I should have studied more and done some mock drafts. Bidding on each player went too fast for me to feel like I was keeping up, but the entire auction collectively took forever. It didn't help that (I think?) I spent to much money early on some guys (particularly Drew Brees and Andre Johnson), so then I had to sit around for round after round, waiting for prices to come down to where I could afford the rest of my roster. The end result looks OK, I think (although I haven't looked very hard at everybody else's teams), but actually doing the auction was some of the least fun I have ever had. I am now going to tell you something sincerely: I can only think of one dentist's appointment I've ever been to that was less enjoyable than that draft. Never again will I do a fantasy football auction.

I was going to put my rosters (as they stand now) at the end of this post, after a break, but then HTML and I got into an ugly screaming match and I gave up on that notion. My rosters are now, therefore, on their very own page--Fantasy Stuff. I guess I could keep my win/loss records and such updated over there, too. Why not?