My First Fantasy Football Week

I won't keep you in suspense: it did not go well.

The Larry Fitzjerries (Girl League)

This was the worst one. I started Kevin Kolb, and he earned one point before getting all concussed and stuff. What hurts is that my opponent was so weak that if I had started Dexter McCluster, who ended up having a big game for the Chiefs, I would have won anyway. In my defense, though, I don't think I could have known what a huge mistake starting C. J. Spiller instead of McCluster would be.

Helmet sticker: Antonio Gates, 13.6 points

Helmet un-sticker: Michael Crabtree, 1.2 points. C'mon.

The Fightin' AJ Hawks (FPL League)

This was the second worst one. I think my team might just stink, since I am bad at auctioning; I ended up with the second-least amount of points in the whole league, without the injury excuse I had in the aforementioned Girl League. Going into the last game last night, I was down by six and, in my game, had the only player left to go. I only needed six points from him. Unfortunately, that guy was Darren Sproles, whom I was apparently an idiot to start, since they constantly handed it off to Ryan Mathews instead.

Helmet sticker: Jahvid Best, 15 points

Helmet un-sticker: Darren Sproles, 0 points

The Bubby Bristers (People I Know League)

This was the least worst one. I ended up with the second-most points in the league, which gives me hope for the future, but was playing the person who had--by far--the most points in the league. His lead was so staggering by the end of Sunday that I gave all hope, totally demoralized. But then Antonio Gates and Jamaal Charles came up big on Monday night, briefly giving me hope of coming back. That hope didn't materialize, but the smaller margin of defeat softened the blow.

Helmet sticker: Jamaal Charles, 16 points

Helmet un-sticker*: Calvin Johnson, 4.5 points

*Since this is the IDP league, there were defensive guys with fewer points but who were still less disappointing. Darelle Revis scored me nothing, but that's the nature of how he plays and was a risk I took by playing him. "Megatron," however, made me sad.

NFL: Week 1

Hilarious:

The Cowboys losing! And it was embarassing too. It wasn't like the Redskins' offense was good--it wasn't--or that their defense was awesome--it wasn't--or even that Tony Romo single-handedly ruined everything--which has its upside, but frankly has happened so often that it's started to get a little sad. No, Dallas's offense as a whole just kept screwing stuff up. The egregious holding call that wiped the game-winning touchdown off the board has gotten the most attention, but that was really just emblematic of the whole game.

Not Hilarious:

The Lions losing. All the media and internet attention has been focused on Calvin Johnson's controversial non-TD catch at the end of the game, and that was sad. (I would really like my moment of celebration back, please.) Even if he had plain old dropped the ball, though, it still would have been depressing for a team that hasn't won on the road in years to lose a game their defense hung on to so doggedly for so long. And the saddest thing of all is losing Matthew Stafford, again, for who knows how long. And with three injuries in his first 17 games, I think it's time to start worrying about his career. I just wish something would go right for the Lions.

Hilarious:

Philip Rivers throwing a hissy at New Arrowhead in the rain. I know this video will be taken down soon, but it's too perfect:

Not Hilarious:

The Triumphant (?) Return of Michael Vick/the Non-Triumphant Debut of Kevin Kolb. Check out this anti-hilarious series of events:

• Despite having a promising young quarterback for whom he ditched Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid starts the game Kolb and Vick frequently, allowing neither one to get into a rhythm.
• Either because of the rhythm thing or because he's just not ready for the big stage, the vaunted Kolb looks like a deer in the headlights, and passes like one too.
• Clay Mathews slams Kolb into the ground face-first. He leaves the game, and it turns out he's concussed. (Note: Clay Mathews is awesome and was just doing his job. It's a just a shame that Kolb's arms weren't free to cushion his face.)
• The odious Michael Vick becomes the unquestioned leader of the team, and does not-totally-awful, setting up what is sure to be an endless and annoying QB debate.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the Packers won (for the first time in Philadelphia since 1962), but it would have been nice if they'd done it by being the better team instead of the less-bad team.

Hilarious:

The total offensive ineptitude of the massively overhyped Jets. At the end of last season, I kind of liked the Jets. They have a big ol' loudmouth coach, which is a dying breed, and I felt Mark Sanchez redeemed his lousy regular season performance with a solid playoff run. But this summer, it was too much Jets, all the time. So I was pretty satisfied that they couldn't make anything happen in their game last night. (Their defense still looks fairly scary, though.) The only downside is that they got put in their place by the Ravens, who aren't super likable either.

Less Hilarious Than I Would Have Thought:

The decline of Brett Favre. I am a decided Brett Favre un-fan, but the realization that it's going to be a long and painful season for the Vikings and Favre in particular has not brought me the schadenfreude I would have expected. Don't get me wrong; I want the Vikings to lose a lot of games. It's just that Favre is already in a bad way physically, and because of his iron man streak, he's never going to take a week or two off to heal. He's going to play until he literally can't anymore, and I just worry it's all going to end with him not just too injured for football, but too injured for aspects of real life.

And that was Week 1! What did you all find hilarious or not hilarious?

Some Picks: NFL Week 1

I'm going to pick against the spread, because it's more fun. And I'm using Yahoo's picks competition numbers instead of ESPN's, because they get more frequently updated. Home team in italics.

Saints (-5) over Vikings

The Vikings have problems; the Saints don't.

Dolphins (-3) over Bills

Miami should be at least OK, while Buffalo is my pre-season pick for Worst Team in the NFL.

Lions (+6.5) over Bears

Detroit should be better this season. Chicago should be better, but won't be.

Titans (-6.5) over Raiders

At first, I was going with the Oakland, but then I realized I couldn't justify it here in writing. And if I can't make the case ("Jason Campbell" still sounds like an argument for the Raiders improving to mediocrity over the entire season, but doesn't really fly for this particular game.)

Patriots (-4.5) over Bengals

I just don't believe in the Bengals.

Panthers (+6.5) over Giants

This was my trickiest pick. At first glance, Giants by a touchdown over Carolina at home seems like a pretty easy bet. At second glance, you remember that this, the Giants' first opponent at their new stadium, was their last opponent at their old stadium, and the Panthers embarrassed them (though less than they embarrassed themselves). It should follow that the Giants will try not just to beat, but destroy them. Third glance! If the Giants were capable of doling out an important, emotional, meaningful beatdown, why didn't they do it last year against Carolina? I don't think the Giants will necessarily lose, but I'm thinking it might at least be embarrassingly close.

Falcons (-2.5) over Steelers

I am buying the Bill Simmons argument that Atlanta's going to be genuinely good this year, while the Steelers--I'm calling it--are still going to be lost even once Roethelisberger gets back. In related news, watching Roethelisberger in the pre-season finally gave me some more insight into how dog lovers feel about Michael Vick. I can barely stand to look at him.

Browns (+3) over Buccaneers

I don't know why Tampa is even favored here. Yes, Cleveland will be very bad, but Tampa will be very, very bad.

Broncos (+2.5) over Jaguars

The wild card: Bronco third-string quarterback/Jacksonville native Tim Tebow. If I were coaching the Broncos, well, I wouldn't have lobbied to draft Tim Tebow in the first place. But let's ignore that! If I were coaching the Broncos, I'd put Tim Tebow in (even just in specialty packages) early and often, to get the crowd on my side. Because it would totally work! Nobody cares about the Jags, and as we know, lots of people care very much about Tim Tebow.

Colts (-2.5) over Texans

Because it's the Colts playing the Texans. We can pretend it will be different this time, but I think we all know it won't.

Cardinals (-4) over Rams

I'm interested to see how Sam Bradford does, but I don't think he's winning his first start.

Packers (-3) over Eagles

Go Packers! Yeah! Woo!

49ers (-3) over Seahawks

I'll put it this way: I have three fantasy teams, one of them in an IDP league, and not one player for Seattle. In my IDP league, there is only one Seattle player owned, DT Craig Terrill.

Redskins (+3.5) over Cowboys

Go Mike Shanahan! Yeah! Woo!

Ravens (+2.5) over Jets

This is part wishful thinking, admittedly, but I also think the Ravens are going to be better than the Jets this year.

Chargers (-4.5) over Chiefs

It may sound crazy, but gee, I just think San Diego will be able to put up a lot of points at Kansas City.